I’m Definitely Getting Fired, Mar 20
I’m definitely getting fired. Honestly, I feel like I haven’t actually done a lick of work in the last 48 hours because March Madness has already been so fucking good. The First Four alone was a matchup that lived up to the hype with games like Drake and Wichita State plus UCLA and Michigan. Then we kick off the first round with Oral Roberts giving THE Ohio State Buckeyes the equivalent of some really horrible oral and knocking them out of the tournament.
I’m not necessarily a popular guy but I did get two texts on Friday that I thought I should share here. The first was from a buddy who just recently started gambling. He said, “please make me feel better, what’s the most you’ve ever lost in one day?” I told him a number that I am too embarrassed to admit here and he told me that it was $300 more than that.
The second text came at around 2pm from another novice bettor that said, “I’m on fire, I may never lose again.” About five hours later I received another text from the same novice bettor that said, “catch me on the closest bridge, I’m down $350.” This my friends is the beautiful thing about March Madness. It can make you feel like the college girl whose parents pay for a tit job and every dude at a pool party has a hard on for you and then immediately after you notice your nose is way too big and you hate yourself.
Now, let’s get down to some picks because the name of this article isn’t random texts from Tex but rather, Best Bets. I am going to do something that may shock you here, but I’m not going to give out a ton of picks. Most people see the March Madness board and they feel like fucking Oprah giving out cars but honestly that is just going to lose you money. Have you ever seen a successful bracket? No. So why the fuck do you think you’re so speical that you can bet 15 games in a day and win. I am giving out three picks that are well thought out and you can thank me later.
The state is high, the score is not
If you go to the University of Colorado, I just assume you smoke weed for breakfast and take a chop for dinner. While the whole student body will be as high as a kite for the game, the score itself against Georgetown will not. The Hoyas have hit the UNDER in 6 of 8 and Colorado has hit in 8 of 11. The Buffs have the 27th best defense in the entire country. You pair that with the fact that the Hoyas are turning it on as of late and there is no reason to think that these teams are getting to 138, especially when Georgetown just showed what a good defensive unit they had in the playoffs.
Fouling out of the Tournament
Whether you like it or not, some things matter more than others in March and one that sticks out is fouls and free throws. This is the massive difference between a team covering and a team missing a free throw with 4.2 seconds left and the other team getting off a ridiculous three that breaks your back worse than your ex is getting hers blown out right now. So listen, back a team like Oklahoma that commits the 12th fewest fouls in the country. They take on Missouri today, a team that has literally crumbled altogether over the last few months. The Sooners are a 2 point favorite but I see them winning this game by at least 5.
Back the Old Powers
This sounds dumb, but I really like the idea of the teams that were good when I was young being good again. This is honestly why I was drawn to the UConn Huskies when I saw them back in the tournament. Dan Hurley is doing something his brother currently isn’t: winning games and playing basketball in March Madness. They are playing a Maryland team that has one win in its last four and has been so inconsistent recently that you are better off flipping a coin than guessing which version of this team is going to show up. Connecticut is 9-1 when covering on the road or at a neutral site this year and that is going to get better tomorrow.